Writer: Sophie Berndt - Office Volunteer, Da Nang
Written on: 27th September 2024
The following blog is a reflection on the Voices of Resilience event held on August 22nd, 2024, in Da Nang. Following the first episode, "Pages of Peace," which took place one month earlier, this month’s event focuses on the story of May, a woman from HerKitchen, with the title "Unforgiven, Unbroken." Feel free to watch the recap video on our YouTube Channel: Voices of Resilience - Chapter 2: Unforgiven, Unbroken
Over the past few months, I’ve had the opportunity to meet and work with May several times. Whether it was during the Cooking and Crafting classes for our GOTOCO Volunteers, a cozy gathering at the beginning of my stay where we DIZ volunteers met some of the HerKitchen ladies at a coffee place near Lady Buddha with a beautiful ocean view, or during our Cooking and Language exchange classes while living at Ms. Hong’s house, where we taught the ladies English and learned about Vietnamese cooking techniques.
I was aware of the strength of each of the women from The Empowerment Plan, knowing about their situations as single mothers in Vietnam—many of whom were victims of domestic violence and survivors of difficult marriages. But listening to their stories individually and feeling their resilience as they speak about their journey toward a healthy and stable life—that brings a whole new level of understanding. And this is what the event "Voices of Resilience" is all about.
May told us about her journey — from a housewife who was told by her mother to "just find a good husband," to becoming a successful entrepreneur with her own kitchen, a spa, and dreams of achieving even more. She painted such a clear picture of the struggles many women in Vietnam - and worldwide - face but don’t often talk about.
Starting with her childhood in Da Nang, she told us about her relationship to her family and her mother in particular. Beeing the youngest one with three older brothers, she was not the one the family invested their money and educational capacities in: "I married the first man my mother introduced me to without knowing each other."
She shared with us how she was not allowed to have many social contacts, neither women nor men and that she took care of their both children, of the home and kitchen work. For the affairs of her husband she was made responsible - not beeing a good enough wife, not being enough. She spoke in her usual soft voice, taking pauses and laughing in between, even when discussing painful memories.
It was a new community that lead her to understand that she is allowed to leave her marriage, that helped her decision to divorce him and to moove out with her son and daughter - against the pressure of her family. It were single mothers like her that showed her her strength and her ability to live a self determined live. "They suffer because they don't know that they are suffering." - The sound of Ms. Hongs voice from the background as she looked at May, holding her own two-year-old in her arms. Those who know Ms. Hong are aware of when she is being serious, as she rarely shows heavy emotions in front of others.
"When I walked out of that marriage I had so much more resilience and strenght." (May)
May found this strength within herself, supported by a new community, and built resilience against societal norms and expectations. As an answer to the question, how she is able to do three jobs and takes care of her children she laughed shyly and said, that she honestly doesnt know. She was herself surprised by her capabilities.
One main thought that stuck to me was her clear message: that connection to like-minded individuals who have gone through similar hardships, being one, maybe even the essential main ingredient for breaking out of toxic situations. Her friendships with other single mothers, and the ability to share her pain, her journey, and her strength created the resilience that is felt as societal norms shift and open up - thanks to the fight of individuals like May.
After May shared her story, we gathered for a cooking session she led. It was relaxing to watch her guide us through making mango and beef jerky salad, a dish she was clearly proud to share, judging by the look on her face. It reminded me how simple acts like cooking can play a role in recovery and self-expression. Everyone contributed in some way—whether lending a helpful hand, starting a new conversation, or making a new acquaintance. While some prepared the food, others stood behind them, snacking on dried beef jerky from the pack, laughed and shared thoughts with their friends and colleagues or watched Ms. Hong stopping her little one from running into the glass door.
After lunch, we held an open discussion with leading questions related to May’s story, where we explored topics about letting go, the idea of forgiveness and how to empower oneself to break out of toxic and harmful relationships. We shared thoughtful moments with ideas and personal stories and memories and listened to different perspectives.
It felt like an extension of May’s experience, giving us all space to reflect on our own challenges and strengths, creating a sensation of shared space in the room. A sensation of deep inspiration. Everyone felt so comfortable with opening up and adding so much value to the understanding of the questions, digging deeper in hidden meanings in words, asking unforeseen questions and understanding each other almost in the glimpse of a second.
Having been able to attend the first session in August, I was excited to hear May's story, wondering what parts she would highlight, how it would feel listening to her, about the dynamic in the room, the responses and questions of the attendees. And despite my expectations, it went beyond it just like during the first Voice of Resilience event. I am deeply grateful to have been able to have been able to attend at this morening in my last couple of weeks volunteering for Catalyst for Change.
To end this blog, let me recall May’s final reflections of the session:
“For those who are afraid of social prejudice: live for yourself, not for others.
For single mothers: you deserve to love and be loved.”
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